The other day I was on a work call and during the beginning portion of catch up and chit-chat, I could hear the other person typing. Loudly. Continuously. When I paused after speaking or asking a question, I let the moment linger, recognizing that I was not being listened to and feeling no obligation to fill the silence. Sometimes, the other person would get it together enough to feign attention and other times, the best they could manage was, “Come again?” It felt disrespectful, diminishing and like a complete waste of time.
THE MANY WAYS WE INACTIVELY LISTEN
Typing during a call is not the only way we inactively listen. Unfortunately, this shows up personally and professionally in countless other ways. Sometimes it happens face to face, like at a party or networking event when you are talking to someone and they keep looking around. Or in a meeting when someone is presenting and someone else is texting under the table. Or in a conversation when the other person cannot stop checking their Apple watch every time it pings. Some people do this surreptitiously hoping we will not notice (we do!) and others do not bother to put on the show. I almost prefer the blatant ones. There is something admirable about owning your actions, however distasteful they may be. The pretenders’ behavior is just as distasteful with an added, unwanted layer of sneakiness. In the end, they are only fooling themselves. Like a toddler who leaves a trail of crumbs behind at the scene of the crime but swears they never ate the cookie.
Some people are unaware that they are inactively listening. Others swear they are in fact actively listening as they neglect all the signs that point otherwise. They talk to you as they are doing something else and swear they are really good at multitasking. They insert a lot of “uh, huhs” and “that’s interestings” as they organize their papers or finish that one last email or try to follow the conversation as they make their way up and down the aisles of the grocery store. In all these cases and multiple others, once again they are only fooling themselves. Despite their dogged commitment to believing otherwise, none of us is good at multitasking; we are just not built that way. When our attention is divided between two tasks, we lose the ability to perform either one well. When we are listening while doing something else, we are only half-listening. We are only half-paying attention. We are only half-showing up for the person who knows full well they are not being heard.
Those of us who have kids or work with them are especially vulnerable to this type of inactive listening as there always seems to be a thousand things that need to get done, often all at the same time. To compensate, we talk to our children while attempting to check some of the thousand off our lists. This is not inherently terrible, but if this is the only attention our children ever receive, it can be incredibly damaging. If they never know the experience of being looked in the eye and receiving undivided attention, we are doing them a real disservice.
THE IMPORTANCE OF ACTIVE LISTENING
As a leader, and as a human being, one of the most important skills you can develop is being a good listener, an active listener. Being a good listener will not only ingratiate yourself to those with whom you interact, it will help you lead more effectively. As a leader, it is essential that you listen to those you lead, to those who lead you, to clients, colleagues, funders/investors, board members and everyone else in your communication path. Your ability to lead effectively rests on your ability to listen to- really listen to- others, understand their point of view and adjust to the feedback they are giving you.
Like any skill, you can become a better listener by deciding you want to be a better listener and committing yourself to it. Like any skill development, this will be a process that will require a combination of self-reflection, skill development and external feedback. As you begin that process, start today, right now, by committing to being fully present in every conversation you have today. No typing, no cleaning, no watching TV- just complete and total attention to the conversation. This may come easily to you or you may be surprised by how seldom, if ever, you do this. Keep doing this everyday, and start building those active listening muscles. Other active listening skills like affirming, paraphrasing, and mirroring can come later as you go through the process. For now, start by giving your undivided attention to everyone you talk with today.
THE GIFT OF ACTIVE LISTENING
As a coach, I listen for a living. I am trained to hear what is being said and what is not being said. When I was first starting out and not yet confident in my coaching ability, one of my mentors told me that, even if my coaching skills were not yet fully developed (they were not), just listening completely to another person is so rare and powerful, that clients will not know the difference. As I commit to getting better as a coach with all the mistakes and challenges along the way, I always remember that being an active listener is a rare and powerful gift to the other person.
As a leader, your role is not unlike that of a coach. Your job is to help people help themselves in reaching their goals and becoming their best selves. This requires active listening. Great teachers, great friends, great leaders are all great coaches who listen intentionally, completely and authentically to understand where people are coming from and doing what they can to support them. To be a strong leader, you must be a strong source of support. Be generous and committed to giving others this support and the gift of being heard.
We are always here to listen and support you in any way we can. Reach out at: CoachKat@katherinespinney.com or 703-688-2394.
*********************************************************************
Katherine Spinney Coaching is thrilled to offer a virtual course to provide you with the support and skills you need to thrive as a leader. Using the Lead With Your MIND® principles, this course will help you develop the confidence, mindset and skills you need to lead effectively. In addition to the content, you will have the opportunity for group and individual coaching as well as a community of support with fellow leaders through our Facebook group. Join us on the journey…
One Response